Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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