So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
