i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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