Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
