i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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