Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
