I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
