He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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