the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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