I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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