Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
