The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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