Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
