Just cropdusted the office
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
