well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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