I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
