my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I've blown a few things in my day
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
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