Who wears a wallet chain?!
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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