did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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