I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
