Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize