Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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