____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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