they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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