do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
