I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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