I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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