I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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