i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
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