the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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