My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
