I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
