I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
