When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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