My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I have surprise drugs for everyone
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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