Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
