he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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