So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
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