i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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