someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
40s are totally the cure
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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