Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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