So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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