I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
