You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
