I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
