yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
we should paint friendship bongs
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