my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Can I color on your dick again?
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
