Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
