I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
