I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Randomize
