What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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