There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
