No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize