I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
