I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
