corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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