You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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