Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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