I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i now understand why vodka
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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