I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
