based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
