Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
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