Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
