Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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