oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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