Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize