He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
