My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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