i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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